Leading and Love

Married

As leaders, we are trained to navigate crises, mediate conflicts, and make high-stakes decisions under pressure. We foster psychological safety within our organizations, guide teams through uncertainty, and model resilience for those who look to us for direction. 

Yet, when we step out of our offices and into our homes, the skills that make us effective leaders don’t always translate seamlessly into our personal relationships. The demands of leadership can strain even the strongest marriages, but just as we cultivate thriving organizational cultures, we can also build resilient and enduring relationships at home.

In my practice as an organizational psychologist and mental health clinician, I’ve seen how high-achieving leaders often struggle to maintain intimacy and connection with their partners. The same drive that propels success in the workplace can inadvertently lead to emotional distance at home. However, with intentionality and effort, leaders can apply practical strategies to nurture a strong, enduring marriage—even in the midst of professional chaos.

1. Prioritize Presence, Not Just Time

Many leaders believe they can compensate for time away by being physically present when they’re home. But being present is not just about proximity—it’s about engagement. Research on emotional intimacy suggests that couples who practice mindful presence experience higher relationship satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Instead of bringing the weight of work stress into every conversation, set aside moments where your partner has your undivided attention. Whether it’s a 15-minute daily check-in, a device-free dinner, or a dedicated date night, these small investments compound over time.

2. Lead with Vulnerability

In leadership, we are often expected to exude confidence and control, but at home, intimacy thrives in vulnerability. Brené Brown (2012) emphasizes that vulnerability is not weakness but a necessary ingredient for deep connection. Share your fears, your struggles, and your triumphs with your partner—not just the polished version of yourself. When leaders create space for openness in their marriages, they foster trust and emotional safety, the same way they do in psychologically safe workplaces.

3. Communicate with Curiosity, Not Assumptions

Great leaders know that assumptions can derail team dynamics. The same holds true in marriage. Rather than assuming your partner understands your stressors—or worse, expecting them to read your mind—practice active listening and ask clarifying questions. Relationship research highlights that successful couples regularly engage in "turning toward" behaviors, meaning they respond to each other’s bids for attention and emotional support rather than dismissing them (Gottman, 1999). A simple, "How are you feeling about this week?" or "What’s been on your mind lately?" can open doors to meaningful connection.

4. Set Boundaries with Work

High-performing leaders often struggle to "turn off" work mode. While leadership responsibilities don’t always fit neatly into a 9-to-5 schedule, intentional boundary-setting is critical. Establish clear communication with your partner about work commitments and agree on sacred times when work takes a back seat. This may mean turning off notifications during dinner, avoiding work emails in bed, or creating a ritual for transitioning from work to home life—perhaps a short walk, deep breathing exercises, or listening to music before stepping through the door.

5. Don’t Just Solve Problems—Celebrate Wins

In both leadership and marriage, it’s easy to focus on what needs fixing rather than celebrating what’s working. Successful couples, like successful teams, thrive on positive reinforcement (Fredrickson, 2001). Make it a habit to acknowledge what you appreciate about your partner. A simple, "I love how you support me," or "I admire the way you handled that situation," can go a long way in reinforcing connection.

6. Seek Support Before Crisis Hits

Leaders often resist seeking help, assuming they should be able to manage everything independently. But just as coaching and mentorship are vital for professional growth, relationship support—whether through therapy, couples coaching, or trusted confidants—is essential for maintaining a healthy marriage. Seeking guidance is not a sign of weakness but of wisdom.

Final Thoughts

Leadership and marriage are both lifelong journeys that require commitment, adaptability, and emotional intelligence. The same skills that make you an exceptional leader—intentional communication, active listening, and the ability to foster trust—are the very tools that can strengthen your marriage. By approaching your relationship with the same level of strategy and care that you bring to your leadership role, you can cultivate a partnership that not only survives but thrives amid life’s inevitable chaos.

Because in the end, success isn’t just about leading organizations—it’s about leading a life that feels whole and fulfilling.

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References

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
• Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218-226.
• Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. Simon & Schuster.