Leading and Love

Engaged

All couples fight! 

Maybe not all. But a lot of couples fight.

Disagreements, irritations, even shouting matches—these are normal parts of being in a close, emotionally invested relationship. But how do you know when it's just a fight… and when it’s a sign of something deeper?

Most people don't want to rush to counseling over every disagreement. At the same time, waiting too long to address persistent patterns can lead to emotional distance, unresolved resentment, and burnout. The key is knowing which signals to pay attention to—and when to reach for help before things spiral further.

Imagine a couple arguing for the third time this week.

This time it’s over chores. Last week it was parenting. The week before, money. Each fight ends with one person walking away and the other feeling unheard. No real repair happens. They're not screaming, but they're not connecting either. There’s tension… and a growing silence. Neither feels like the relationship is falling apart—but it’s definitely not thriving.

That’s when many couples ask: Is this just a rough patch—or do we need counseling?

When Fights Are Normal (and Even Healthy)

Conflict isn’t always a red flag. In fact, healthy couples:

• Express disagreements openly
  
  

• Navigate tension with respect
  
  

• Repair emotionally after an argument
  
  

• See conflict as a chance to understand each other better
  
  

As Drs. John and Julie Gottman note in decades of relationship research, it’s not the presence of conflict that predicts relationship success—it’s how couples handle it (Gottman Institute, 2022).

In short, some fights are simply growing pains. They can even lead to deeper intimacy if handled with emotional honesty and care.

Signs It’s Time to Seek Outside Help

Here are some clear indicators that counseling may be more than just helpful—it may be necessary:

1. The same fight keeps happening—without resolution
 If you’re stuck in a loop, cycling through the same arguments with no progress, it's likely not about the surface issue anymore. Something deeper needs attention.

2. One or both of you shuts down emotionally
 Stonewalling, withdrawing, or emotionally disengaging during or after arguments suggests that repair has broken down. You can’t heal what you won’t talk about.

3. Fights are laced with contempt or criticism
 If disagreements include name-calling, sarcasm, personal attacks, or shaming, it’s a serious red flag. Contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce, according to the Gottman Institute.

4. You’re avoiding conversations altogether
 If you find yourselves tiptoeing around issues just to keep the peace, or stuffing your feelings to avoid more conflict, resentment is likely building in the background.

5. You no longer feel emotionally safe
 If you feel afraid to speak up, or if every disagreement becomes an emotional minefield, counseling can help restore safety and clarity.

6. Someone’s asked for help—and been ignored
 If one partner has brought up counseling and the other has dismissed or resisted it, that resistance itself may signal an unwillingness to face what's needed for the relationship to grow.

How Counseling Helps (Even If Things Aren’t “That Bad”)

Many couples wait until they’re in crisis to get help. But marriage counseling isn’t just for saving relationships—it’s for strengthening them. Therapy offers:

• Tools for communication that don’t come naturally for most of us
  
  

• A neutral space to explore pain points without blame
  
  

• Skills for emotional regulation and conflict recovery
  
  

• A chance to reset patterns before they become permanent
  
  

Even a few sessions can give couples the clarity and language they need to reconnect.

Consider a couple who had a fight about household responsibilities. They didn’t scream or slam doors—but something felt off. One partner suggested counseling, and the other agreed, albeit reluctantly. In therapy, they realized the fight wasn’t about chores—it was about feeling unseen. That realization changed everything. What they thought was a minor issue turned out to be a major turning point.

Not every fight means your marriage is in trouble. But if the same pain keeps resurfacing, the silence between you keeps growing, or the exhaustion outweighs the connection—it’s time to take it seriously.

Counseling isn’t a last resort. It’s a courageous act of care.
 And sometimes, the difference between a fight and a fracture… is how quickly you seek help.