Leading and Love

Parenting

The Subtle Shift We Don’t Always Notice

Parenting is often described as the most selfless act—raising a child to become their own person, equipped to navigate the world with confidence, compassion, and integrity. But in the quiet moments of frustration, correction, or even celebration, a question lingers beneath the surface: Am I parenting based on their needs—or based on mine?

It’s an uncomfortable question. But for couples in leadership roles—accustomed to setting vision, managing outcomes, and holding high standards—it’s a necessary one. Because the kind of parenting that builds lasting connection and character is not about control, image, or achievement. It’s about presence, humility, and the ability to prioritize who our children are becoming over how they make us feel.

When Parenting Becomes Performance Management

Leaders often bring their strengths—structure, vision, accountability—into the home. But when those strengths go unchecked, parenting can quickly become a form of performance management. We start evaluating our children not based on their growth or development, but on how their behavior reflects back on us.

This can show up subtly:

• Feeling embarrassed when a child acts out in public
  
  

• Taking their success as a reflection of our parenting “score”
  
  

• Trying to fix emotions quickly so they don’t disrupt our peace
  
  

• Steering them toward our version of success instead of their unique path
  
  

The question becomes less about what the child needs in that moment and more about what we want to feel as parents: in control, respected, proud, unbothered.

The Cost of Centering Ourselves

When parenting centers on our own fears, insecurities, or image, the child’s emotional and developmental needs become secondary. We may raise children who behave well, achieve much, or follow rules—but struggle with emotional independence, honesty, or internal motivation.

In contrast, children who feel truly seen, heard, and valued—even when they fail or fall short—are more likely to develop long-term emotional resilience. And this, more than compliance or perfection, is what builds strong, healthy adults.

Psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel calls this approach “mindsight parenting”—the ability to be fully attuned to your child’s inner world, rather than trying to control their outer behavior. It requires slowing down, getting curious, and allowing their emotional experience to matter as much as your agenda.

Reframing the Role of the Parent

To build something that lasts, we must reframe our role from manager to mentor, from controller to cultivator. Our job is not to produce perfect children, but to prepare them for the complexity of life. That means allowing them to wrestle, question, and even disappoint us—while remaining secure in our love and presence.

Parenting that lasts is marked by:

• Curiosity over correction
  
  

• Conversations over commands
  
  

• Connection over conformity
  
  

This doesn’t mean letting go of discipline or boundaries. It means anchoring them in empathy, not ego.

How to Check Your Heart

Here are a few reflection questions for parents in leadership:

• When my child misbehaves, do I think first about their needs or my image?
  
  

• Am I more focused on controlling their behavior or understanding their emotions?
  
  

• Do I make room for their uniqueness, even when it doesn’t reflect my values or plans?
  
  

• When I discipline, is it to teach—or to get relief from my own discomfort?
  
  

These questions aren’t meant to shame. They’re meant to bring us back to the kind of parenting that builds trust, fosters growth, and honors the child’s identity.

Legacy in the Making

Our children don’t need perfect parents. They need present ones. Parents who are willing to do the hard work of self-examination, who lead with humility, and who prioritize the relationship over the outcome.

Because in the end, the legacy we leave in our children is not found in their accomplishments—but in their sense of being loved, known, and accepted. That’s the kind of parenting that’s built to last.